‘Finding your other half’ – but I’m not a half…

The person you end up with is described in many ways: ‘soulmate’, ‘the one’, ‘other half’… I’m not sure whether I believe in soulmates or ‘the one’; but I do like to think there’s someone somewhere that’s suited to each of us. But it takes time, and in most cases we don’t end up with those we meet in childhood or our teens like Hollywood films would have us believe. But our ‘other half’? Really? I simply can’t stand this term.

Recently I read somewhere that ‘you don’t need to find your other half because you are not a half’. It really stuck with me, and got me thinking about why this narrative of ‘finding your other half’ is so commonly used and why it actually sets a very dangerous precedent.

I wonder who came up with this term. Maybe it was a founder of a dating website that thought it was a fantastic way to pitch online dating to single people. Or maybe it just caught on because it has a nice ring to it, like the term ‘two peas in a pod’. Whatever the origin, it implies that falling in love is tantamount to finally being a complete entity, and this in a way is preying on the insecurities of many: of being alone forever, of needing someone else for comfort and security – when in reality all we need is ourselves.

We are not glasses half empty that need someone to top us up. ‘Finding your other half’ implies that being yourself is not enough and that a partner is the remedy to that problematic mindset. But we are whole, and whoever you end up with shouldn’t complete you, but merely be an added bonus to who you already are: if someone makes you a better person then that’s great and a sign you are good for each other; but it’s no one’s responsibility to do that. Relying on someone to be the filler to problematic cracks in your life only serves to put unnecessary pressure on them and on the relationship.

First and foremost you are you because of your actions and decisions. Other people shape and influence us in different ways over the course of our lifetimes, but ultimately we have the final say on what kind of person we want to be – not the person you start dating, live with, or marry.

Realising that the only thing that can complete us is ourselves is a one-way street to finding inner peace, self-respect and feeling empowered. It’s also the best way to avoid entering the strange cycle of serial dating and feeling like you can’t be single because you need to be in a relationship in order to feel stable and secure.